By Casey Neill
Three women united by abuse at the hands of the same man wore white ribbons to Dandenong Magistrates’ Court in a show of strength and hope.
Cat, Ally and Lucy – not their real names – fear this man might have other victims and know that violence at the hands of a partner is all too common.
“Violence against women is something that needs to be more out there, in the open,“ Cat said.
She endured physical, verbal and psychological abuse.
“He warped your mind,” she said.
“He very controlling.
“You don’t even realise that it’s happening.
“The physical abuse, they kind of manipulate you to think that it’s nothing too much, so it just keeps happening and you fall into that pattern.
“I don’t know how but you wake up to it, you realise it’s not normal, it’s not right, enough’s enough and you get out of it, you leave.
“It’s really hard to explain because you make your decision, but somehow he manipulates you to come back.
“You know you don’t want to, you know that it’s wrong, but it happens again.
“You always think things will be different but it never is.”
In Cat’s case, a third party helped her to see the pattern she’d fallen into.
“He keeps finding a new girl and keeps doing the same thing,” she said.
“It’s happened way too many times.
“There’s at least four of us that we know of.
“God knows how many there’ve been in between who haven’t said or done anything.”
Only two women have reported their abuse to police.
“These people need to be reported to be able to stop it,” Cat said.
Ally said she “didn’t cop beatings or anything like that”.
“It was more mental, emotional abuse,” she said.
“I didn’t report it because I didn’t have any bruises.
“Thinking back I should have gone to the police and put in some sort of statement.
“It could have helped before he went onto the next one.”
She now can’t trust anyone.
“I’d made that decision so many times and left, but he always found a way to manipulate me back in there,” she said.
“The minute I was back in there, all I wanted to do was leave.”
He broke the relationship off and immediately moved on to Lucy.
Support workers at homeless service WAYSS and social service Windermere helped Lucy to break free.
“They made me see the outside point of view of it,” she said.
All three women experienced this man “talk up” his previous violent actions.
“He used to tell me stories about how he went and bashed in the door of one of his ex-girlfriend’s houses, but he would always make himself look in the right,” Cat said.
“He made a point of saying this stuff and I think that’s slowly driving into your head to be scared of him.”
In contrast, Lucy said he also talked up how much of a gentleman he was.
“When he’d drink it was slight little comments here and there that you’d pick up and go ‘that’s really nasty’.
“All those little signals were there but you don’t see it until it’s too late.
“Listen to your gut – 90 per cent of the time you’re going to be right.”
Cat urged women to look into stories that didn’t sit right to find out the truth.
“If you think it’s wrong, don’t go back,” she said.
“If it happens once, that’s it.”
The trio have found comfort and strength in sharing their experiences with each other.
“For a long time you think ‘what have I done wrong?’,” Lucy said.
Cat said: “It’s helped us realise that it’s not us.”
