By Jonty Ralphsmith
Light’s fading, the temperature’s cooling, your feet feel tight and crusty from the dried saltwater and the barbie is heating up. Dad’s knocking back a cold one, the kids are having water fights and Mark Howard’s voice is reverberating around the backyard as the Melbourne Renegades capitulate again. But you’re oblivious to all that because you’re smashing the worn backyard cricket bat into the ground poised to launch the half-taped tennis ball into the bushes for a boundary.
Nothing brings family and friends more fun under the gushing January sun than a juicy match of backyard cricket and – with plenty of battles sure to happen in holiday season – we’ve profiled the stereotypical backyard XI.
1: The Wannabe: This is the player that would have taken the first paragraph seriously and has zoned in for the day. He plays fourth XI club cricket and has brought out his Gray Nicholls Kaboom and gloves, undoing them and redoing them after every ball. Much like Ash Chandrasinghe at Casey South Melbourne, he wants to build an innings, play risk-averse cricket and not expand until he has his eye in an hour later. Might be technically sound but saps the life out of the fun.
2: Where did it all go wrong?: For this person, that is the perennial question. They’re convinced that if they didn’t get injured as a local junior, then overlooked as a clubbies senior player, it might just have been them in the test arena – and they don’t mind sharing their own anecdotes either. If South Africa had six good batters, they would have won the test series too, champ.
3: Shirt-optional operator: Often a teenager or someone in their early 20s, this guy, who himself might be an elite athlete in his own sport, hasn’t been putting in hours in the gym for nothing. They want your eyes and the camera lens on their chiselled body. Tis the season to show off. Hopefully they have cricket skills to boot.
4: The Lad: This is the guy we should aspire to be like. He’ll scull his drink between balls, scoff a banger when he’s fielding, and when he’s batting he’ll play high-risk, high-fun, high-tempo cricket to keep the game moving. He might even take a catch and allow someone else a hit. Realises that backyard cricket is about spirit, not a fierce battle between blade and ball.
5: Marnus Labuschagne: The bundle of energy who appeals for everything, initiates the banter, and puts his body on the line in the name of fun. It’s almost as entertaining watching them live their best life as it is playing the game itself.
6: So how do you play?: For this person, the annual backyard cricket match is their only interaction with the sport for the year. They hate the sport. “I’d prefer to watch paint dry,” they’re heard saying when the workplace discussion turns to cricket a week later. It’s a drag to get them to play, and often they’re just occupying a fielding position to feel part of the camaraderie. They don’t really want to bat and there’s always the option not to go for a catch if it comes to them because they don’t know that brings about a wicket. What’s a wicket?
7: Mr Greedy: This is the player that bathes in their own self-importance; obsessed with being the protagonist. They’ll push to the front of the bowling queue. Push people out of potent positions so they can get the catch. Barbecue you when they’re batting. Refuse to get the ball they’ve recklessly smashed over the fence. And once their innings is over, expect them to get out of the baking heat and provide some armchair analysis for the BBL rather than remaining in their own family game.
8: Can I have a bowl? Similar to number four but this person is here for a good time, not a long time. The bowling queue doesn’t apply to this person, often an older family member or younger sibling because they just want to bowl a couple of balls before the game proper resumes. It’s always controversial if they get a wicket with one of those deliveries, though – does it count?
9: Wicket-hunter: This is the player that is just desperate to have a bat. They come in two primary types: the one who keeps wicket as much as possible, selfishly wanting to take a catch and capitalise on the riches of someone else’s quality bowling; or they’ll bowl themselves, requesting an auto-wicky knowing that means they’ll get a bat if someone snicks off. This is also the person who might pull out the Marlyebone Cricket Club rulebook to exploit a rule or clarify something in backyard cricket.
10: ‘I’ve still got it’: After pulling off a one-handed blinder or clobbering a reverse sweep, they’re still bragging about it at the pub three hours later. They’ll use their achievement over the group forever and a day and reckons it entitles them to a free schooner. Cue a ding from the group chat next time a batter skies a ball or fielder drops a catch on tele: “I would have done better.”
11: The apprentice: The youngest member of the group, this player is just happy to be included in the fun. Sport is said to promote self-esteem and this person visibly comes out of their shell as the game goes on, providing positive vibes in their blissful youth.
